Top 10 Reasons to Elect Me the Next Pope

Parsley Sage Rosemary & Ginsburg LLP

“Always a reasonable result for a reasonable fee, always”

MEMORANDUM

To:	Top 10 File
From:	Mike Marget
Date:	March 3, 2013
Re:	Top 10 Reasons to Elect Me the Next Pope

10. Both Bill Maher and Karl Rove have contributed to my Sistine-or-Bust Super Pope PAC.

 9.  I was once a Cardinal – Little League Keokuk County Bank Cardinals.

 8.  If elected, I will use my powers to bring peace between Kris Humphries and Kim Kardasian. 

 7.  My new diet and exercise regime will count as a first step toward eventual beatification.
 

 6.  I’m seldom wrong, which is modern day version of infallibility.
 

 5.  I’ve never violated the 5^th Commandment.
 

 4.  I will replace all the Cardinals with Ravens – because purple is a better color and, heck, they won the Super Bowl.
 

 3.  I’ll write really cool encyclicals like “Quomodosancta trinitas similis est baseball geminus-fabula compositum.”[i]

 2.  As an homage to traditionalists, I’ll take the name Pope John Paul John-Paul John-Paul Benedict I.[ii]  

1.    I look good wearing a miter ------------------------>

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[i] Roughly translated: “How the Holy Trinity works together like a really good double-play combination in baseball” (e.g., Tinker-to-Evers-to-Chance). 

[ii] Stupid joke:  Waiter:  “What would the Pope Emeritus like for breakfast today?”  Pope Emeritus:  “Ex-Benedict will have Eggs Benedict.”

 

My Top 10 Reactions to the White House Petition Seeking to Ban My Top 10 Lists

Parsley Sage Rosemary & Ginsburg LLP

“Always a reasonable result for a reasonable fee, always”

MEMORANDUM

To:	Top 10 List File
From:	Mike Marget
Date:	February 22, 2013
Re:	My Top 10 Reactions to the White House Petition Seeking to Ban My Top 10 Lists

10.    This is so not going to look good on my Linkedin profile.

  9.   Some people get Oscar nominations; I get a lousy petition.

  8.   How can people be so hateful at a time when Kim Kardashian is so happy?

  7.   Could it have anything to do with all the Star Trek references?

  6.   I bet Leno’s behind this.

  5.   It was just a matter of time.

  4.   People actually read this junk?

  3.   Et tu, Mom?

  2.   What would Piers Morgan do?

  1.   Payback – from now on Top 20 Lists!

Top 10 Non-theological Questions about the Afterlife

Parsley Sage Rosemary & Ginsburg LLP

“Always a reasonable result for a reasonable fee, always”

MEMORANDUM

To:	Top 10 File
From:	Mike Marget
Date:	January 9, 2013
Re:	Top 10 Non-theological Questions about the Afterlife

10. – Does eternity last longer if calculated in dog years?

 9. – How is it possible for my French-speaking ancestors to communicate with me through an English language Ouija board?

 8. – If my home mortgage is underwater when I die, will it affect my credit rating in the hereafter?

 7. – Does the existence of the U.S. Congress suggest life continues even in the absence of higher level brain activity?

 6. – Have celestial real estate values skyrocketed since people started storing everything in the clouds?

 5. – If my spouse and I die in an automobile accident, can we travel toward the light using the 2+ HOV lane?

 4. – If I see dead relatives with their hands out, is it a welcome or are they about to hit me up for money?

 3. – In the afterlife, how much importance will attach to billable hours?

 2. – If you are an accountant in this lifetime, must you be accountant in the next world, too?

 1. – Should we expect over-crowding once those Obamacare death panels become operational?

Top 10 Intel Gain from Accountant at Gitmo

Parsley Sage Rosemary & Ginsburg LLP

“Always a reasonable result for a reasonable fee, always”

MEMORANDUM

To:	Top 10 File
From:	Mike Marget
Date:	January 9, 2013
Re:	Top 10 Intel Gain from the Terrorist-Accountant at Gitmo

10. – When traveling , terrorists are reimbursed 55.5 cents per mile if they use their own camels.

 9. – He once declared a fatwa against H&R Block.

 8. – Most common Taliban disguise -- wearing a fake beard over their actual beard.

 7. – Detainees get mad whenever interrogators make puns interchanging the words “moola” and “mullah.”

 6. – Wife #3 stars in Real Housewives of Kandahar. 

 5. – Once considered entering his favorite camel in the Olympics’ dressage competition.

 4. – As an austerity measure, shoe bombers are advised to shop at Payless.

 3. – Mission statement includes jihad against Pakistan, Afghanistan and Jenniferanistan. 

 2. – For reasons too complicated to explain, all al Qaeda equipment leases are booked as operating leases. 

 1. – Even in a 14^th century cultural milieu, accountants are considered nerds. 

Top 10 Signs You Have a Lame Computer Virus

Parsley Sage Rosemary & Ginsburg LLP

“always a reasonable result for a reasonable fee, always”

MEMORANDUM

To:	Top 10 File
From:	Mike Marget
Date:	December 4, 2012
Re:	Top 10 Signs You Have a Lame Computer Virus

10. – You type today’s date; PC converts it to Stardate 54868.49.

9. – Only music you can download: William Shatner’s Greatest Hits.

 8. – Tech support tells you to simply give your PC rest and plenty of fluids.

 7. – Google Maps will only give you directions to the nearest Starbucks.

 6. – Hit the F7 key, you get an ad for Sham-Wow.

 5. – PC signs itself on to EBay and places bids on Commodore 64 software.

 4. – When you start up your computer, instead of the Intel jingle, you hear the opening notes to Row, Row, Row Your Boat. 

 3. – PC randomly inserts semicolons into text; where; no rational; person would ever insert a semi;colon.

2. –;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;.

1. – Your PC replaces hilarious Top 10 entries on this website with unfunny ones.

Top 10 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Contributing $5 Million to a Super PAC

Parsley Sage Rosemary & Ginsburg llp

“always a reasonable result for a reasonable fee, always”

MEMORANDUM

To:	Top 10 File
From:	Mike Marget
Date:	October 24, 2012
Re:	Top 10 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Contributing $5 Million to a Super PAC

A while ago I read something online from NPR which included a list of big dollar donors to various so-called “Super PACs.”  For those of you so inclined, here's my advice:

Top 10 Questions to Ask Yourself

Before Contributing $5 Million to a Super PAC

10. – Do my kids really need to go to college?

 9. – Before making the contribution, can I possibly save $750,000 (15%) by spending 15 minutes on the phone with Geico?

 8. – Have I recently divorced Tom Cruise or Kobe Bryant?

 7. – Would it make more sense simply to watch the campaign on cable and eat $5 million worth of snacks?

 6. – No #6.  I’m still trying to wrap my brain around the concept of actually having $5 million in the bank.

 5. – Will I be known forever as “the jerk who gave $5 million to a Super PAC?”

 4. – Can I really afford this and still buy Yankee tickets?

 3. – Couldn’t I inflict almost as much damage on a democratic society with just a $4 million contribution?

 2. – If I’ve got $5 million in the bank, shouldn’t I instead invest in something sensible like one of those dancing Olympics horses?

 1. – What am I, nuts? 

Key Behavioral Traits for the Successful Law Fim Manager

Top 10 Ways to Make Chess More Popular

Parsley Sage Rosemary & Ginsburg llp

“always a reasonable result for a reasonable fee, always”

MEMORANDUM

To:	Top 10 File
From:	Mike Marget
Date:	October 11, 2012
Re:	Top 10 Ways to Make Chess More Popular

In a video-game world, this was inevitable.  Accordingto reliable sources, the World Chess Federation is secretly studying ways to alter the 1,500 year-old rules of the game of chess to make the sport more appealing to the general public.  I can't simply stand on the sidelines while this is happening, so here are my contributions:

Top 10 Ways to Make Chess More Popular

10. – Free vuvuzela horns for the first 1,000 ticketholders admitted to watch each match.

 9. – Lose a piece, down a shot of single malt.

 8. – Permit viewers to repeat the accounts and descriptions of play without the written permission of Major League Chess.

 7. – Suspend for one season any coach or player who offers a cash bounty for injuring an opposing team's Bishop.

 6. – Frequent TV timeouts so viewers can run to the kitchen to replenish their beer and chips without missing any of the action.

 5. – More bench-clearing brawls.

 4. – Schedule matches opposite hockey games.

 3. – Replace the knight pieces with carvings of those adorable dancing horses from the Olympics.

 2. – Settle draws with penalty kicks.

 1. – Rename Pawns the “47-percenters.”

Top 10 Signs the New Paralegal is Obsessed with Star Trek

Parsley Sage Rosemary & Ginsburg llp

“always a reasonable result for a reasonable fee, always”

MEMORANDUM

To:	Top 10 File
From:	Mike Marget
Date:	September 20, 2012
Re:	Top 10 Signs the New Paralegal is Obsessed with Star Trek

10. – Reprograms your Outlook calendar so all of today's appointments appear as Stardate 66186.8.

 9. – Framed photograph on desk is inscribed, “With love, the red-uniformed security officer who gets killed in the first five minutes of The City on the Edge of Forever.”

 8. – Word “Romulan” appears in work product more often than it should. 

 7. – Attempts to mind meld with prospective jurors during voir dire.

 6. – Constantly using the phrase “Set Phasers to Litigious.”

 5. – Describes new haircut as “the Spock.”

 4. – Asks for FMLA time-off due to a Pon Farr emergency.

 3. – Keyboard looks like this:
 

 2. – Comments that your Friday casual attire is “highly illogical.”

 1. – Whenever anything goes wrong, you hear "KHAAAAAAAN!!!!!"

Top 10 Signs It's Time for the Managing Partner to Step Down

Parsley Sage Rosemary & Ginsburg llp

“always a reasonable result for a reasonable fee, always”

MEMORANDUM

To:	Top 10 File
From:	Mike Marget
Date:	September 20, 2012
Re:	Top 10 Signs It’s Time for Your Firm's Managing Partner to Step Down

 10. – Last time he argued before the U.S. Supreme Court, Clarence Thomas asked him a question.

 9. – Hasn’t brought in a new client since Studebaker Motors. 

 8. – Refuses to upgrade from his Commodore 64.

 7. – Every time he walks into a courtroom, exclaims, “Why did I come in here?”

 6. –  After beginning a story about the Framers’ Original Intent, lapses into bawdy tales about having gone bar hopping with Ben Franklin.

 5. – His idea of causal Friday is to dress like former Chief Justice Oliver Ellsworth.[i]

 4. – Keeps calling Dick Cheney to arrange another hunting trip.

 3. – He hasn’t updated his blog in over 2 weeks.  (Oops, sorry, that’s a sign I should retire.)

 2. – Spent all of the last partners’ meeting talking to an empty chair.

1.        You catch him reading one of these lame Top 10 Lists.

---

[i] Oliver Ellsworth:

Top 10 Ways Baseball will be Different when Bears are allowed to Play

Parsley Sage Rosemary & Ginsburg llp

“always a reasonable result for a reasonable fee, always”

MEMORANDUM

To:	Top 10 File
From:	Mike Marget
Date:	September 20, 2012
Re:	Top 10 Ways Baseball will be Different when Bears are allowed to Play

A few weeks ago I visited the Bronx – both the Zoo at 2300 South Blvd. and the Stadium at 161^st and River Avenue.  This got me thinking. 

Top 10 Ways Baseball will be Different when Bears are allowed to Play[i]

10. – Instead of the “hidden ball” trick, runners will be lured off base by the shortstop juggling live salmon.

 9. – Trash receptacles throughout the ballpark always will be tipped over.

 8. – In the dugouts chewing sunflower seeds will be replaced by grub-infested bark.

 7. – Flunk a drug test; continue your baseball career in disguise wearing a bear suit.

 6. – For reasons too complicated to explain, the Miami Marlins will cease to exist.

 5. – Term “southpaw” will take on a slightly different meaning.

 4. – During 7^th inning stretch, the team might start hibernating.

 3. – Pitching changes will involve tranquiller darts.

 2. – Concession stands will begin selling “too hot,” “too cold” and “just-right” porridge.

 1. – Instead of a pregame Air Force flyover, 3 WORDS: helicopter, Palin, rifle.

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[i] Also, the Yankees will start signing all the best bears to long-term contracts; but that really isn't  different.

Let Me Explain!

Parsley Sage Rosemary & Ginsburg llp

“Always a reasonable result for a reasonable fee, always”

MEMORANDUM

To:	All Partners
From:	Mike Marget
Date:	August 10, 2011
Re:	Let Me Explain – an Apologia Pro Vita Sua

By now you have all heard the news.  After publishing last month’s financial statements, performance enhancement drugs were found in my system. 

I’m shocked.  This completely mystifies me.  I don’t take steroids.  I would not defile my body simply to eke out a couple extra dollars for the law firm’s bottom line.  I do not do accounting dirty!

Charges that I used stimulants to improve past financial reports are utterly baseless.  Sure, my spouse sometimes supplies amphetamines in advance of those marathon monthly Partners’ meetings, but Jeanne has always drawn the line at steroids.

There must be a simple explanation.  Surely, the testing lab made a mistake.  Like Lance Armstrong and that NASCAR guy, I’m the victim here.

Admittedly, my ego was recently measured 5-times normal size, but that’s still much smaller than the average lawyer’s.  Please, don’t jump to conclusions.

In closing, allow me to repeat: I have never knowingly ingested a banned substance.  I hope this innocent, isolated incident in no way shakes your confidence in my work or prevents me from fulfilling a childhood dream of one day being inducted into the Super Accountants’ Hall of Fame.  Thank you for our continued trust and support.

Top 10 Things to Consider before Deciding to Marry a Corporation

Parsley Sage Rosemary & Ginsburg llp

“always a reasonable result for a reasonable fee, always”

MEMORANDUM

To:	Top 10 File
From:	Mike Marget
Date:	August 3, 2012
Re:	“Corporations are people, too, my friend.”

Last month, a Seattle woman, Angela Vogel, was issued a marriage certificate to wed "Corporate Person" -- a corporation. 

Top 10 Things to Consider before Deciding to Marry a Corporation

10. – Can a rabbi with just a single member LLC perform the ceremony?
 9. – Am I ready to become stepmother to his subsidiaries? 
 8. – Does the reception have to be held in Delaware?
 7. – Under Citizens United, can he use corporate funds to help pay for my dress?
 6. – Am I prepared to take the heat from Rick Santorum?
 5. – Can I trust him to behave at the bachelor’s party?
 4. – Band or DJ?
 3. – Does his religion require our kids to attend Business Schools?
 2. – Will he really look like Mitt Romney in his rented tux?
 1. – Should I sober-up first?