Monday, March 4, 2013

Top 10 Reasons to Elect Me the Next Pope

Parsley Sage Rosemary & Ginsburg LLP
“Always a reasonable result for a reasonable fee, always”

Top 10 File
Mike Marget
March 3, 2013
Top 10 Reasons to Elect Me the Next Pope

10. Both Bill Maher and Karl Rove have contributed to my Sistine-or-Bust Super Pope PAC.

 9.  I was once a Cardinal – Little League Keokuk County Bank Cardinals.

 8.  If elected, I will use my powers to bring peace between Kris Humphries and Kim Kardasian. 

 7.  My new diet and exercise regime will count as a first step toward eventual beatification.
 6.  I’m seldom wrong, which is modern day version of infallibility.
 5.  I’ve never violated the 5th Commandment.
 4.  I will replace all the Cardinals with Ravens – because purple is a better color and, heck, they won the Super Bowl.
 3.  I’ll write really cool encyclicals like “Quomodosancta trinitas similis est baseball geminus-fabula compositum.”[i]

 2.  As an homage to traditionalists, I’ll take the name Pope John Paul John-Paul John-Paul Benedict I.[ii]  

1.    I look good wearing a miter ------------------------>

[i] Roughly translated: “How the Holy Trinity works together like a really good double-play combination in baseball” (e.g., Tinker-to-Evers-to-Chance). 
[ii] Stupid joke:  Waiter:  “What would the Pope Emeritus like for breakfast today?”  Pope Emeritus:  “Ex-Benedict will have Eggs Benedict.”



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