Monday, March 4, 2013

Top 10 Reasons to Elect Me the Next Pope

Parsley Sage Rosemary & Ginsburg LLP
“Always a reasonable result for a reasonable fee, always”
MEMORANDUM

To:
Top 10 File
From:
Mike Marget
Date:
March 3, 2013
Re:
Top 10 Reasons to Elect Me the Next Pope

10. Both Bill Maher and Karl Rove have contributed to my Sistine-or-Bust Super Pope PAC.

 9.  I was once a Cardinal – Little League Keokuk County Bank Cardinals.

 8.  If elected, I will use my powers to bring peace between Kris Humphries and Kim Kardasian. 


 7.  My new diet and exercise regime will count as a first step toward eventual beatification.
 
 6.  I’m seldom wrong, which is modern day version of infallibility.
 
 5.  I’ve never violated the 5th Commandment.
 
 4.  I will replace all the Cardinals with Ravens – because purple is a better color and, heck, they won the Super Bowl.
 
 3.  I’ll write really cool encyclicals like “Quomodosancta trinitas similis est baseball geminus-fabula compositum.”[i]

 2.  As an homage to traditionalists, I’ll take the name Pope John Paul John-Paul John-Paul Benedict I.[ii]  

1.    I look good wearing a miter ------------------------>







[i] Roughly translated: “How the Holy Trinity works together like a really good double-play combination in baseball” (e.g., Tinker-to-Evers-to-Chance). 
[ii] Stupid joke:  Waiter:  “What would the Pope Emeritus like for breakfast today?”  Pope Emeritus:  “Ex-Benedict will have Eggs Benedict.”


 

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